Thoughts of an Introvert

Nobody can deny that at times, we will feel as if we are not important to our closest friends, family and people around us. That feeling come to us like it's tapping on our shoulder and say, "Hey, you know what? You are not important as how you thought you are. Stop trying to be important when you aren't." It does feel like it. Trust me. It immediately ruins our mood even when we were so happy seconds before. Feeling as if we aren't important is sucks cause we will feel like we aren't good enough for them and they need people who are much better than us. Infact, they only need us. They really think we are important. It's just that, sometimes our feelings can be deceiving as f. Sometimes, that feelings are real. Sometimes feelings are just feelings. It called guts. The most truthful things that we own within us is our guts. It tells the truth even when you deny it thousands of times. Most of the time, we ignore them. At the end of the day, guts al...

Memang saya tak dapat nak tipu diri sendiri yang saya masih betul betul sayangkan kamu. Sikit pun hati saya tak berganjak dari apa yang saya mula rasa waktu saya kenal kamu sampailah sekarang. Masih tetap sama. Saya selalu minta maaf kalau saya rasa yang saya buat kamu annoyed atau sakitkan hati kamu sebab saya tak nak kamu rasa sakit hati disebabkan saya. Saya lebih rela sakit hati daripada saya yang menyakitkan hati orang. Walaupun saya sayang kamu setengah mati pun tapi kalau kamu tak rasa apa yang saya rasa, memang takkan ke mana. Saya takda hak nak paksa kamu suka saya. Saya takda hak nak jealous kalau kamu ada hati dekat orang lain. Saya takda hak apa apa pun. Orang ada kata, kita tak payah minta maaf atas apa yang kita sendiri rasa tapi saya tetap nak minta maaf dekat kamu sebab saya masih sayang. Terus terang saya kata, susah untuk saya move on. Mungkin akan ambil masa bertahun tahun baru saya dapat move on daripada satu orang. Mesti kamu rasa macam pelik sebab k...

When it comes to the topic of "moving on", it is very subjective. It's like, you can ask every single different person about how is their view about it, they will have dissimilar answer for it. Moving on for me is the hardest part after all of the memories replayed on my mind. From scale of 1 to 100, I'd give moving on a 100 cause moving on is hard for me. Why? Because I'm not one to forget. I'm the type to keep on playing the past in my head over and over again until I got sad. Once I got sad, I'll get myself back up and find the strength to say "Let's move on and leave the past in the past." but doesn't really do so. I'm lame, okay? If someone ask from me the tips to move on, I'd be talking to them like I moved on from my past when in reality, I'm still not. Lol. The last time I moved on was like last year. After few years I still holding on but at the same time slowly moving on, baru last year I moved on...

It's okay to cry over stupid issue but sometimes the issue is sooooo unbearable. So unbearable that all you wanna do for the whole day is to cry in bed and get up the next day with hope that it will be a good day tomorrow. It sucks, you know; being a strong person but with a fragile heart. People always misunderstood me being the strongest person at heart when I always cries my eyes out it ran dry somedays. Crying so hard until you can barely breathe anf grasping onto the pillow, that's pain. You will be so exhausted the next day out of crying that way. It's harder when you want to cry, when you need to cry but you are surrounded by everyone else. You can feel your heart is falling apart pieces by pieces but there's nothing you can do cus you don't want to be seen so broken. Instead, you sit there with them pretending to laugh along and being cheerful as hard as you can just to show that you are unbroken. Gosh.... This feeling is hard to deal with. How I wish ...

How ironic is it that I still love the one I left. I was the one who gave up on it but I still want it to amend the way it used to be. It's kinda funny if I keep on thinking about it. Keep on missing him and wanting him back would not bring him back. For the sake of my own feelings, being friends is the best way. To love him as  a friend would be enough and nice than being a stranger pretending like we never know each other. It's cliche but that's the reality of my life haha Cliche at its best! I should be super greatful he is willing to be friends with me :) Thank you! Love, Ophelia ♡

I still can't understand how come someone could be so intolerate? How come someone could be super selfish? Why do they have to make people live only for them? That attitude sucks. Frankly, it sucks. Hey, don't make yourself think that only because people likes you, they would leave everything behind just for you who they only know like few days. There might be people who will do that but not me. I won't leave my friends behind for a guy like you. It was just a game and I know I have a pinch of feeling for you but it's just a freaking game. There must be a limit. Yes, you like me but respect is a must! You didn't respect me, my space. Don't make everything seems real. Your 'I love you(s)' were just a lie. You are just lonely when you said those to me. I knew all along but it's my fault to blind myself from seeing it. Too much pretending going on. Be a super cheapskates when it comes to showing your ego. Damn your ego is too...

That's the thing about me; I fall too easily and too hard. Much harder than the velocity of someone free fall themselves from the jet to the flat hard ground. I catch feelings easier than I try to catch the magnet fish at the fun fair. I am hard to understand. So hard that people easily to give up. Mostly, they are almost give up on me, on my attitude. I am the sum up of complicated. Nobody wants a complicated human being to be with; to spend the rest of their life with. Do you ever feel like wanna cry but there are no tears coming out streamin down your face. You just sit down and stare at things but you feel yourself falling apart deep inside. The next day you woke up, broken hearted, you put on a fake smile tryna hide everything you feel. The thing is, what you feel is real and raw but you know not everyone will understands you. Some will but mostly, they just won't. I'm not talking about people can't understand us but the heart can't seem to find it...

Why am I so vulnerable? Why can't I simply help myself from falling in love with him? Was the walls I built are not strong enough? All I can feel is pain. The pain inside hurt so bad that I can feel it hurts me physically. Why do I still love him? What is wrong with me? What makes it so hard for me to forget him? What makes me so hard to move on? Why do I still care?! :'( I supposed to know my limit and capacity. There's no one else to blame other than myself. Sorry for still falling for you. I can't help it. Love, Ophelia ♡

I can't fucking lie to myself anymore. I admit everything I ever said was bullshits. Who in the world can hide their raw and true feelings when everyone can see the cut is open wide? No one. Go on with the raw feelings and live your life. It's okay to make mistakes. It's okay to be sad over the mistakes you make. Tears are made to be use. Use it wisely, ladies and gentlemen! It's okay to be mad and angry over shits you do. It's okay to break your mum's Vantage sets once in a while. All of those 'bad things' people warned us is actually healthy if we use them wisely and not daily. This is no flowery and beautiful things I wrote, but it's not nothing either. Love, Ophelia ♡

Sometimes being selfish is all that we have to be. It teaches us that we need to prioritize ourself in order to know our value. If we know our value, it is almost impossible to let others to destruct you. I mean we can still put others before us, it's not a wrong thing but not all the time. Where are you in your life when everything you do and every decisions you make involve other people? When it comes to a long term decision making, I'll be selfish about it. Why? Who is going to live your future? Who is going to make your future come true? To me, it would be you but with the help of others. Others don't have the right to decide the ultimate decision for you. Love, Ophelia ♡

I used to think that once a besfriend, always will be a bestfriend. Cause if we made the memories, a lot of it, it won't be ruin by just arguments. Well, I was wrong. We were once a very good friends. Anywhere you go, I will always there with you. Inseparable is what we were. We spent most of our times eating outside, hanging out together at the tea place nearby and a whole lot more things we do together. Memories is what I call of those now. Memories that I can only relive inside the frame of my brain. The memories that cannot be get back and I should hold on tight with me since now you are not my friend anymore. Two days before, your friend asked me if I am going to the Christmas Parade. I said "Yes, I'm going.". Then I asked her "How bout you?". She said "Yes, she's going too.". When it's my turn to ask her who she will be joining, she just say "Fam." That's when I know she is lying. It's an obvius wh...

Stop catch feelings. Stop putting your hopes up. Stop loving the wrong person. Stop caring. Stop say you miss him. Stop thinking about him. Stop text him. Stop stalking him. Stop seeing the best in him. Stop having the faith that he is the one all along. Stop saying your happy for him when you are not. Stop changing yourself for him. Stop telling him how sad you are missing him. Cause all of those things meant nothing to him. You are like a dust on his shoulder that he just brush off in times. You deserves better. Someone who loves you more than you love him so that you can learn how to love him. Love, Ophelia ♡

I bet all of us ever feel like we're not good enough. We felt as if everything we gave doesn't satisfy the ones we love. We pour and pour and pour our heart and soul out to them who have the container but instead, they doesn't open the lid of it. The golds we pour end up wasted. Frustration kicked in. Annoyance knocked the door. Sadness covers us with its comfy blanket. Insecurities smiles at me. I say hello to it. Letting it into my home where I ran away the from fear of the world. Instead I let the fear enter my home. I did. Since the beginning. Insecurites has became my best friend. Fear is my new sibling. I love them so much that when love tries to say hello to me, I ran and cry my heart out! Shit. Why did I ran?! I have no idea how to love anymore. Everything seems dark and scary. Love is intimadting. I tryna befriend it one day but it scared the shit out of me with it's wholeness and unbiasness. I still figure a way to let love sit b...

Despite our break up, my soul is still for you. It is firmly here for you. Though I tried to fall for someone else, I be trippin' and get back up, unlike how I free fall for you once back. You wonder if you can call me stupid or even fool? Yes you can. You are free to call me that way. Despite you don't even care about how my day is going, have I eaten or not, how is my school going and such, but I here caring about you and even worried sometimes; wonder if you got a job already, how are you, how is your parents doing etc. Am I still a fool now? I guess I am. Despite me who break up with you but it doesn't mean I don't love you anymore. It is because of that reason, I let you go. I don't want you to stuck with someone you don't love. I just want you to find someone who you love, only when you are ready. I still love you. I still do. I do. Love, Ophelia ♡

Do you ever gave up on love? You be saying to yourself, "Oh fuck up. Love, go fuck yourself!". 'Cause I did. I am. Still am. I don't care about it anymore. I even say to myself that I won't care if I won't get married one day. The reasons? [Okay. First, I am not writing this out of objectivity but it is out of subjectivity. What I wrote here ain't do nothing against your views :)] All of us know since it is pretty obvious that people nowadays tend to fall for the physical characteristics of someone. They tend to closed one eye when it comes to the person's personality. That is the reality of public perception that I need to face daily or even for the rest of my life. I am aware for I am not pretty, not even close to skinny and even have no sense of humour. Plain Jane is how I love to roll in! Sadly enough, Plain Jane ain't what guys look for in a girl. Haa haa... Free tossed knife are everywhere. It hunts for t...

I still remember how you brush me off my feet It was the best day of my life Falling for you was unplanned Never thought you hold my heart. With no request, I let you in The risks were avoided Though I knew all along you would break my heart in pieces Oh baby Please rewind the clock To the time you were mine and I was yours Be who you were for my sake Missing you is unbearable Unstab the knife off my back Love me again baby Never knew I'll be missing you Still After all those months you're living yours I'm dying instead Well baby I'm a fool for you Always a fool that loves you Love, Ophelia ♡

How wonderful it would be if we catched feelings with someone we sure will be with us for forever and always. Seems like love's favourite game is "Guess what?". Shits. Sometimes I hate it. Well apparently, most of the time. I got no problem catching feelings with strangers but catching feelings with my own friend, it is super awkward. It is not just awkward but also dangerous for the friendship. When I stuck in this situation, I will pretty much make sure I would not let them know my feelings for them. No matter how hard. Yes -- people say we should tell someone what we feel but not when that someone is my own friend. Cus the friendship worth more than how I feel towards him. My feelings can fade away but I cannot bear to lose him as a friend. "You are my crush tapi rahsia." Hahahaha Love, Ophelia ♡

Why do girls often make things complicated? Why do girls often turnt something so small into something so big, it burst? Why do girls cry over slightest mistakes or even happiness? Why do girls love the guy who hurt them but ignore the one who love them to the moon and back? Why are girls complicated? Why? I am a girl myself and I am still asking myself why. What makes it so hard for us to straighten things up and bring it straight to the point? We girls love to dramatize something that needs to be minimize. Aku pun naik darah kadang kadang. Let me give you an example: If our bae doesn't reply our texts, it would makes our head torching up with fire like Goku! But if we think again, it's just a text! Nothing important about it. We could call that someone rather than assuming but we love to assume shits and that's not cool! Oh wait. I just realized it's not cool hahaha Okay. Anyway, it's great though being a girl. Sometime...

What is something that cannot be mend physically and it takes possibly a lifetime to repair it; but it would not look and feel the same? It took you every ounce of your mental energy and emotional energy to bandage the cut caused by some human who made you the happiest person that you gonna die who crossed your path once. It sounds bad.. isn't it? It does feel bad if you ask me. So hurt. So bad -- just staring at things, beautiful things or view etc. just to get myself into that pithole over and over again. You were my first love. The first sunshine that ever light me up other than my family and friends. Someone who made my days better; months to be exact. You were the source of my happiness -- at least that is how I felt. You were also the source of my sadness and sorrow. The pain that I'm feeling; so deep in my heart. Was it a coincidence for me to know you or is it fate who planned all these? I have no idea. However, I do know and is a true believer ...